Self-abandonment never leads to the fruit I desire

I was feeling really angry and agitated. Dysregulated. I took myself for a walk -it was a 15 minute drive to get there. So I was giving myself a lot of time to just be with what was coming up. I started to acknowledge different things. Some pain, shame, hurt, sadness, anger. I just witness these feelings and the sensations that came with them -tightness in chest, labored breathing, heaviness. By the time I was on my walk I was supporting my heart with self-touch but the heaviness came on strong. It was hard to breathe.

So I resourced.

I listened to the sounds around me. I noticed the trees. I came back to the present and I kept leaning into self-touch. After being with this heaviness for a while, it turned to a deep sadness that had a story attached to it -that everyone in my life is distant and only giving me crumbs. I’m not getting what I need and desire. I felt it. I allowed it. I let it be. I cried a little. As this was going on I noticed some things being expelled through yawns and deep breaths.

I kept resourcing in between feeling and being with the uncomfortable things coming up. Then I tapped into the truth of the earlier story, which was that I’ve always felt the need to cut and paste myself into something other than me in order to be accepted and loved, validated and worthy of connection. I could see how me abandoning myself in order to get what I need was in fact moving me further away from my desires.

When I can move through life on my paper, completely connected to me I’m naturally going to attract what I am desiring. When I move into fear and I feel the need to shape shift to be accepted I confirm the negative story and I get evidence for it. Fear breeds more of itself. It breeds the thing we fear.