Connection or Control?
If I asked you the question, what would you rather, intimacy and connection or control? What would your answer be?
For me, It would almost always be intimacy and connection.
The number one thing that erodes intimacy is control. We don’t want to control our husband, our children, our friends, anyone for that matter, in order to get what we want. How empty we feel when someone panders to our controlling tactics, when all we really want is genuine connection.
You can either have connection, or control, you can’t have both. So how do we get what we want in our marriage without control?
Here are three tips for engaging your man that does not require control:
Express your desires in a way that inspires. When we complain, we think we are getting the message across to our husband, and that he will magically tend to our disguised requests. But complaints are like burdens to our men. They simply send the message that you’re unhappy and he is failing. Remember, his number one desire is to make you happy. Instead you can smile and simple say “I’d love a clean kitchen” instead of “why am I the only one who cleans this kitchen.” —insert your own narrative.
Treat your man like you trust him, not like he is just another child in your home. Instead of telling him what you think, or giving him suggestions on how he should handle that situation simply say “whatever you think” and then be quiet, and let him have the space to come up with his own ideas. This is a huge boost of esteem for your man and it will create intimacy between you very quickly.
Use Spouse Fulfilling Prophecies. This one is fun! When you have a complaint, keep it to yourself and then take some time to flip it. What do you really want? Do you want him to spend more time with you? Instead of saying “you’re always working” try “I know you want to spend time with me, and I trust you’ll figure it out.”