Forcing a Change Never Leads to Love

Skillful engagement paired with acceptance creates sustainable change.

For most of my life, I believed that change required pushing harder, being different, being “fixed.” I thought something inside me, or in others, needed correction in order to feel whole or connected. That relentless striving left me exhausted, frustrated, and stuck in cycles of shame and judgment.

I’ve discovered something very different: lasting change doesn’t come from force. It comes from acceptance. Acceptance doesn’t mean passivity or resignation. It means meeting what is (my pain, my patterns, my fears, and the reality of those around me) without judgment. From that grounded space, intentional and skillful action naturally emerges.

When I practice presence with myself, I create safety within my nervous system. That safety allows old patterns to soften, insights to arise, and transformation to unfold in its own time. Trying to control or accelerate the process only tightens the grip of old habits and fuels stress.

The most profound shifts happen when acceptance is paired with action. I call this Building the New: tending to connection, cultivating intimacy, resourcing the body and mind, and choosing new patterns with curiosity and care. Over time, this approach nurtures a love that isn’t contingent on anyone being “right” or perfect. It’s a love and a growth that comes from presence, compassion, and conscious creation of safety.

I didn’t need to be fixed. None of us do. What lasting change really needs is acceptance, presence, and the space to let transformation arise on its own.