My Well, My Grace

My heart quivers a beat of worry
I'm locked up quietly screaming as I
Begin to open up my sides and peer in
Pull back my skin and taste my own desires.
Who am I. I have been lonely for so long.
Lonely under the heaviness of distrust
In my own belonging -- distrust in my own
Instincts.

I have no where to be
No one to see
It is just me
And my perfume

I am learning to delight in my scent
Trust myself deep down in my fibres.

The absence of delicate candle light flickering in my solitude is the absence of my well, my grace.

I do it so well for others.
Fuss over every detail to make someone,
Anyone see my worth.
I prepare the space with elaborate distractions
So that when they arrive they take freely without noticing my emptiness.

Fat hot tears that don't exist turned into cold resilience.
I resist settling into my own skin.
Pins and needles all over my body.
The thought of stopping to know me,
See me
It's a splitting headache that silently breaks me.

My anxious heart can't take it any more.
I must dive into the piercing cold that is my soul
And find my own life boat.
I must save myself from the act, the scene
Where I dance
Before the spectators trying to prove
Perfection exists.
Trying to undo shame with each step.
Trying to be understood with each contrived move.
I scream.

Yet silence finds me.
Not the peaceful kind.
The erratic, noisy kind that leaves nothing unstirred in its wake.

I must dive deep.
Risk having the very breath sucked out of me,
The comfort of the pain I know
Ripped from me to find the pain I don't know.
The pain that heals.

I must dive into the darkness to find light.
I must dive into the ends of myself to find the beginning of who I am.

I'll light the candles and pour the wine. I'll start by preparing a space just for me. I'll start by taking myself on a walk and daring to find an adventure that is the result of simple decisions I've made rather than a mindless stumble to the beat of someone else's drum. I'll find my own song and I'll start to sing in a whisper at first. Gentle, kind whispers. They will stir up my courage and as they all dance together like a new perfume in the air between my lips and God's ears I'll grow in grace. My well will begin to fill with water from heaven.